Interactive deliberate practice

Let’s Practice Healthy Sovereignty and Differentiation in Relationships

If you practice differentiation, you create the opportunity for more intimacy, less hurt and frustration, and more curiosity and learning in your relationships.

6 small repetitionsAbout 7 to 10 minutesPractice at 3/10 intensity

How will we practice healthy differentiation?

We will practice what is called a psychological boundary, developed from the work of Juliane Taylor Shore. A psychological boundary allows two amazing things to happen: I can care deeply about myself and care deeply about another person. It helps me care about another person’s inner world without confusing it with my own.

One marshmallow holds a small bear inside its own blue psychological boundary

No one needs permission to have a mind.

But lately we have lost some of our ability to let other people have a mind that is different from ours. This practice makes room for your mind and experience, their mind and experience, and staying connected even though we are so different.

What gets me excited is that learning to do this can transform friendships, couples, families, groups, and even whole societies.

So, are you up for committing to this practice?

Sovereignty or differentiation is not cutting someone off, withdrawing, acting tough, saying no, or forcing yourself to feel loving and calm all the time. It is really about supporting your own experience of choice, curiosity, belonging, consent, and ultimately, effective action.

How should I use this practice?

Bring to mind something that stirs you up at about a 3 out of 10, if we made up an activation scale. So, not your hardest, most painful conflict and not something totally mundane. I use a practice scenario of a friend asking for time to talk.

Privacy + purpose

This is an educational reflection tool, not psychotherapy, diagnosis, medical advice, crisis support, or a substitute for professional care. Using it does not create a therapist-client relationship with Traci Ruble, LMFT. Your selections stay in this browser and are not sent to Traci. AI helped with development of this tool, but AI is not running behind it or analyzing your answers.

Notice · Distinguish · Choose · Communicate

Practice complete

You Did It. You Just Made the World a Little Better. Allowing Two Minds.

And guess what? You didn’t have to be some calm or perfect human. You simply needed to be a person committed to practicing a psychological boundary that allows you to notice, discern, listen, choose, and choose again.

Two marshmallows make contact while each remains inside their own psychological boundary

I can be me while I am with you. You can be you while you are with me. We affect each other. Neither of us gets total control.

The bear is my image. Would you be willing to keep returning to yours?

The bear is not my boundary. It reminds me where my boundary is. Your own image can help you remember that there are two minds here, different and still connected.

A curious marshmallow uses a magnifying glass to examine the meanings its mind added

Someone’s no can sting

Feeling rejected does not tell you yet what their no means.

You ask to talk tonight. They answer: “No, I can’t tonight.”

What meaning does the sting add?

Select any that fit.

What else may be true?

Select any possibilities worth considering.

You are amazing that you were able to get a little more curious about what your mind was doing with their preference. Unfortunately, it may not feel reassuring. Sometimes a person’s no is specific. Sometimes it reveals a larger difference between two humans that is hard to face too. And still, we practice. And practice some more.

Your responses remain in this browser and are not sent to Traci Ruble or analyzed by AI. This educational tool is not psychotherapy, diagnosis, medical advice, or crisis care and does not create a therapist-client relationship.